To the Pregnant Woman in New York, Meet my Author

Rocking my babies to sleep tonight and my heart aches. In one arm, I’ve got a baby that I begged God for and in the other, I have the biggest surprise of my life. The day we found out we were pregnant with Elliot I cried tears of relief and joy. The day I found out I was pregnant with Davis, the doctor had to take my 6 month old, Elliot out of my arms because I was crying so hard, scared and confused. I was in shock for days.. even a week later, laying in the bed at the doctors office watching the tiny baby dance on the screen, numb. For honesty’s sake, I’d be lying if I didn’t say part of me wished I would miscarry; a dark thought so deep in my mind, I didn’t think I’d share it with anyone except God and my husband. Normally, I would feel ashamed to admit it, but I didn’t know what I know now and I know I’m not the only one who has felt those feelings. Fear. What have I done? How am I going to tell ____? What are people going to think? 

I try to think of what my mom must have felt, finding out she was pregnant at 16 years old. Her boyfriend left her with an ultimatum, “It’s me or the baby.” Can you imagine the feelings my mom felt? Fear. Feeling like it’s over, like you’ve ruined your entire life? What are people going to say? How am I going to do this? What if I never ____? Whose going to love me?
She reluctantly agreed to have an abortion as long as he would pay for the procedure, so off he went off to earn the money. However, that same weekend, my moms health slipped and because of it my grandma found out she was pregnant. That is why I am here today. My mom was lucky and grateful she had my grandma in her corner fighting for her when she wasn’t strong enough to resist the abortion on her own. As such, my biological father left and moved across the country within a few weeks. 
A lot of women in New York lost a kind of  person last week. They lost the security of term limits on abortions and in turn, lost their way out; their loop hole, their scapegoat. Those who are hesitant can no longer simply say, “I can’t, it’s illegal”. They are left to believe they are characters in a hopeless story that has no possibility for a happy ending. Fear. A never ending list of questions. But friend, let me tell you, we have a way of writing our own imaginary ending but we are not the true Author, and the author I want to share with you has a way of working all things together for the good of those who love Him. 

To the pregnant woman in New York right now, feeling like you’re in a hopeless situation. Whether you are still in high school, in the middle of your degree or blooming career, whether you were taken advantage of, met up with someone besides your spouse or were with someone who promised you forever and left. If you don’t know where your next meal will come from, are with a manipulative controller, don’t have a supportive family or are ashamed of what your church might think. I am with you, I will stand in your corner and I will fight for you when you feel like you can’t. I am here to tell you that you can still have a beautiful story, even if you don’t see a way out of this chapter. 

Many people would have agreed my mother ruined her life, or that she may have ruined the life of the man who adopted me as his own… at the prime age of 19. But I am here to tell you, they have lived a beautiful, impossible life. Married for almost 25 years, educated, retired from the military at forty and on set to pay off their forever home they designed in the next few years. As for me, I have seen places in the world people only dream of. I’ve been able to pray for little girls whose fathers left them, gone to church with people in a country where Christianity is outlawed and served women whose own parents sold them into sex trafficking as children. 

Two years ago, my biological father and his wife contacted me with the intent of opening up a relationship. Communication with my biological father forced me to think of things I had never thought of before. For instance, the scariest most hopeless parts of my mom’s and biological father’s stories served as the gateway for every good thing that has ever happened to me. This plot twist exposed the Great Author’s handiwork and I realized just how much of my life could’ve never been predicted by my mom or my biological father. If he would not have left, my mom never would have married my dad and because of him leaving, I was given a better father than most girls ever have. Together, my mom and dad were able to have my little sister and they traveled the country while serving in the military. The military moved us to Texas, where I came to know the life changing love of Jesus, my Lord and Savior, healer and redeemer. It was in the same church I met Christ, that I also met my husband and we have been given a beautiful family. This revelation of the Authors work enabled me to truly appreciate the life determined before me and eventually thank my biological father for leaving. 

I have watched the northern lights dance across the Alaskan sky, hike tall mountains and breath in the beauty of nature. I have walked along beaches and felt the waves push me back as I swam in the ocean. I have woken up to birds singing while the sunrises on countless camping trips. I have found love that listens to my darkest thoughts and loves me still. I get to rock my baby boy every night and watch his sweet chin quiver while he sleeps. I get woken up by a little girl whispering “mama” and nestling into me every morning. The Author is still working on my story.

This is the richest life I could imagine and nobody saw it coming.